


this is alright

by xinmood



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Binhwan - Freeform, Fluff, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oneshot, Songfic, bc binhwan rly got me effed up yall, bjin - Freeform, emotional and uwu word vomit right here, non-au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 10:44:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17579378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xinmood/pseuds/xinmood
Summary: Hanbin didn't really know what love was, much less how to deal with it. Especially when it came in the form of a 13cm fairy who loved him too much for his own good.essentially just binhwan feelings and an uwu dump.





	this is alright

**Author's Note:**

> loosely based on Eerie Summer's Weird Around You. sappy binhwan nation this is for yall uwu...

_i’ve never really been in love_

_I’d rather sit and stare at the tv with you; -_

 

“Oh, how I’ve loved you,”

 

The protagonist’s passionate confession had Hanbin’s eyes refocusing on the film playing on the television in front of him. He stifled a yawn, hand absentmindedly stuffing another popcorn kernel in his mouth. His gaze was of disinterest at the ongoing dialogue gracing his screen. Jinhwan sat beside him on the beat-up sofa, glancing up occasionally from his phone, though he didn’t look like he paid much attention to the film either.

 

“They’ve only known each other a week, right?” Hanbin’s voice didn’t hide the obvious condescension in his tone. Jinhwan shifted beside him, stretching his arms over his head, stilling as his hand came to lie against his cheek. He smirked at his best friend’s disapproval and directed his gaze towards the latter with an eyebrow raised.

 

“As they say, ‘true love knows no bounds.’ Who knows, love at first sight might exist,” Jinhwan mused, though he didn’t really sound like he believed it. Hanbin cringed beside him when the man pulled the lady in for a heart-stopping kiss.

 

“It’s love at first delusion, is what it is,” Hanbin rolled his eyes, munching on his homemade popcorn noisily. “It’s kind of shallow, no? You’re loving the _idea_ of the person, not for who they really are.”

 

“Sounds like a potential hit song right there.”

 

“Funny,” Hanbin drawled, resisting the temptation to roll his eyes. “But really, think about it. Don’t tell me you don’t see my point.”

 

Jinhwan hummed, deciding to concede to the persistent man’s talk of love (or lack thereof), whilst stealing some popcorn for himself. He didn’t bother finishing his food before speaking.

 

“Still, it’s nice to be a hopeless romantic sometimes. You get to escape from harsh realists like _you,”_ He said pointedly and chucked a handful of popcorn at the disgruntled boy.

 

Jinhwan ducked when Hanbin raised his neck pillow threateningly at him, chuckling lightly.

 

“Love you,” Jinhwan teased - earning him another threatening raise of the neck pillow. Hanbin sighed at his best friend’s mocking expression but leaned against him comfortably regardless. He toggled through the channels, finally settling on a deep ocean documentary to lull the both of them to sleep.

 

“We’ll agree to disagree,” is the last thing Hanbin mumbled before he let the comforting tone of the narrator’s voice pull him into a dreamless slumber, head resting against Jinhwan’s shoulder as he’d done hundreds of times before. 

 

_I'd rather keep it all inside ; -_

 

Hanbin didn’t hear Jinhwan enter the studio.

 

He lingered at the door, watching his best friend work by himself for a moment. Hanbin had his head in his hands, foot tapping to the beat though his tense posture signalled that he wasn’t all that satisfied with his work. Jinhwan’s brows pulled together in an expression of concern, eyes glancing from the clock that read 3 a.m and back to the man slumped in the chair.

 

It was a typical, familiar scenario. Hanbin, stationing himself in the studio as he always had from the moment Jinhwan had met him all those years ago. His silhouette illuminated by the harsh light of his Mac painted a sad picture that elicited a sigh out of the former man. It was no secret that Hanbin worked himself to the bone for the boys - but it still left Jinhwan feeling sorry for the burden his songwriter bore that was obvious from the tightness of his shoulders.

 

As if on cue, Hanbin stretched his arms out above him, sighing in frustration. Jinhwan pressed his lips together and stepped into the studio, the bag of takeout in his hand still warm.

 

“Oi, Hanbin,” Jinhwan wrapped his arm around Hanbin’s torso in a hug of sorts, while the other hand deposited the food on the table in front of him. The boy jumped slightly and then Jinhwan heard him sigh (slightly lighter this time), his own hands coming up to pat the older boy’s arm in acknowledgement. Jinhwan lingered a little longer before ruffling Hanbin’s hair and seating himself in the spare chair next to him.

 

“I brought chicken,” Jinhwan gestured to the bag in front of him. “I know you haven’t eaten. You’ve earned your break.”

 

Jinhwan huffed at the small, tired but grateful smile that played on the younger man’s lips. Hanbin reached for the food and nearly groaned at the savoury aroma. “I was craving this, too. Thanks, hyung.”

 

The soft rustling of plastic accompanied the silence that followed as Hanbin ate his share. It wasn’t an uncomfortable one - Jinhwan couldn’t recall a time when they were ever awkward with each other. It was a nostalgic feeling that reminded Jinhwan of his trainee days with Hanbin and Jiwon, the sheer familiarity of it all allowing a veil of tranquility to settle over his senses.

 

He cast his gaze on Hanbin who ate leisurely, and allowed a smile to grace his features at the endearing sight. It was something about seeing Hanbin taking care of himself that eased the discomfort in his heart. The man ate like a child, and it filled Jinhwan with such gaiety to see glimpses of the kid in Hanbin. A boy who was forced to grow up too soon.

 

 _Time could stop like this,_ he mused, _and I wouldn’t mind it very much._

 

He was jerked out of his trance by Hanbin pushing the takeout box towards him.

 

“You okay?” Hanbin asked, mouth still full.

 

“I was just going to ask you the same question,” Jinhwan replied, fitting his hand into the plastic glove whilst grabbing a piece.

 

Hanbin blinked. “You had this dopey smile on your face. It was kind of cute.”

 

Jinhwan coughed, hiding his face behind his sauce-covered glove. “It’s nice to see you eat.” Hanbin smiled at this, “You eat like a preschooler.” and then his smile dropped, and an obligatory eye roll followed.

 

Hanbin didn’t bother protesting, because really, he had a point. Sauce was dribbling down his chin though he personally didn’t mind it that much. He moved to wipe it away when Jinhwan’s hand came up and beat him to it.

 

Jinhwan tutted and wiped the damned sauce away almost _too_ nonchalantly, his thumb coming up affectionately against his skin. Hanbin stared at the older man for a moment, and then continued nibbling on his half-eaten drumlet, making a small noise in thanks.

 

Unbeknownst to the leader, Jinhwan’s heart started skipping _one, two… five, I’m sure..._ beats, while he stretched his back noncommittally in an attempt to dispel the nervous energy that had suddenly plagued him. His hands fumbled with the tissues, and he mumbled low under his breath, “I don’t get paid enough for this,” “It’s like taking care of a son,” and “ah, seriously” among other things. He didn’t catch the bemused look on Hanbin’s face at his antics, and perhaps it was a good thing he didn’t.

 

They ate quietly, until Hanbin decided to play one of his demos to fill the silence. Their heads bobbed to the tune and Jinhwan listened as Hanbin filled him on the details and little struggles he had with its direction.

 

Time passed slowly like that. He wouldn’t say it out loud, but Jinhwan loved watching Hanbin work. It was kind of a paradox of sorts. To Jinhwan, Hanbin shone when he was focused, though it pained him to see his leader work sleepless nights like this. His eyes over the years, Jinhwan noticed, were deep and its intensity sometimes scared him. The depth and well of thoughts that his eyes held had always struck him a certain way - when his eyes glittered with excitement explaining his thought process, when his eyes darkened a tad as he lost himself to the details of his work, and when his eyes locked with his, carrying such a deep, heavy feeling of _something_ or other behind them that had always left Jinhwan feeling slightly breathless.

 

He was brought out of his thoughts once again by Hanbin’s voice.

 

“Why don’t you go back to the dorm and sleep?” Hanbin asked, his eyes flitting across the screen. “We have a relatively free day later. You should rest.”

 

Jinhwan grunted from his position - head in his arms facing him - his eyes fluttering closed. “I’d rather spend it with you. It bothers me that you’re in here alone.”

 

In the darkness behind his closed lids, he failed to catch Hanbin’s slightly stunned look.

 

“Why are you bothered? I do this every day. It’s not a big deal.”

 

“Exactly. You stay up every day, for us,” Jinhwan grumbled. “We’re with you, Hanbin. The least I could do is accompany you while you’re alone.”

 

“What if I said I liked being alone?” Hanbin’s teasing tone was light, though his eyes were laced with something heavy, something not quite discernable.

 

“Liar,” Jinhwan opened his eyes this time, raising an eyebrow at the younger man. “I know you don’t. And anyway, I want to be with you, so suck it up and stop disrespecting me.” His voice reached a teasing lilt towards the end, and Hanbin smiled at his faux grumpiness.

 

And with that the conversation ended, the sounds of keyboard clicks and Hanbin’s occasional humming filling the silence. Jinhwan continued to watch him silently through half-lidded eyes, almost absentmindedly. The tension in Hanbin’s posture lessened, and Jinhwan smiled at that.

 

_That’s good. He’s feeling better._

 

Time went on that way, and Jinhwan soon fell asleep beside his leader, the soft thrumming of the Mac and Hanbin’s voice fuzzy to his senses. It was a welcome void that allowed him to rest, and his mind was lost to it completely. And so he didn’t - couldn’t, really - feel the blanket drape across his form, nor did he feel the touch of a hand that ran softly through his hair. All he registered was the calming, pleasant feeling that had suddenly washed over him. Distantly, he thought that perhaps he did recognise a light pressure against his palm, but it was all too soft and comforting that it only served to pull him deeper into his slumber.

 

_“...angel. Goodnight.”_

 

A soft, unconscious smile tugged on his lips.

 

It was undoubtedly the best sleep Jinhwan ever had.

 

_you’re a friend and a good one; -_

 

It was nearing midnight when Hanbin realised that he was officially, utterly bored out of his mind.

 

He rolled over in his bed, hugging his comforter to his chest almost sulkily. It was one of those nights before a flight where he forced himself to stay awake, fully intending on pooling his lethargy so he could - essentially - pass out on the plane ride and avoid the more uncomfortable conditions of flying. It’d become a routine to him what with iKON’s global schedules, and he really did think he should have been used to it by then.

 

On a day like this, he’d stay up writing, because that was when he’d be most productive. Though somehow he’d hit a mental block that night and nothing of worth came to mind and on paper as much as he racked his brains for it.

 

Frustrated, he groaned, tossing the notebook and pen to the ground. There was a slight pause following his mini tantrum - and then he grumbled to himself and begrudgingly picked them back up again, cursing his sentimentality towards his precious notebook. Hanbin fumbled with his sheets, stuck a leg out under the covers, paused, pulled his leg back in, jerked his body to the left (huffing a tiny bit) and then decided that he really could get no peace of mind tonight.

 

He sat up abruptly and ruffled his already mussed up hair. He wondered if the other boys were awake and moved to shuffle out of his room quietly, not wanting to rouse his housemates. _Yunhyeong and Chanwoo need their rest these days,_ he thought, remembering that their practice sessions lately had been especially tough on the two of them. He wandered around the flat aimlessly wanting to just _do_ something, but his hands came up empty. He thought of the boys downstairs and his slumped shoulders perked up just a little when the image of the eldest boy came to mind.

 

 _I’ll go and bother Jinhwan,_ Hanbin grinned, shooting a text to the older boy to see if he was awake. He grinned again (maybe a little too widely) as the reply came within seconds, and it was as if his temper tantrum never happened.

 

 _No, I’m already asleep._ Was the first sarcasm ladened reply.

 

_The other boys are sleeping. You can come down and bother me if you want._

 

_Since you’re desperate, I’ll pity you this one time and take care of you._

 

Hanbin couldn’t explain the sudden tug in his chest as his eyes skimmed the words. He huffed out a soft “huh”, biting his lip in thought - and also to partially stop his lips from smiling too wide. All he knew was that he loved his hyung - who spoiled him, really - too damn much.

 

His footsteps grew lighter as he approached the dorm on the lower floor, and he didn’t really realise how eager he was until he knocked, waiting for Jinhwan to get him. The door opened to reveal his hyung who looked less than impressed to see him, though Hanbin swore he saw his lips twitch into a smile. He grinned down at the shorter man, laying a hand on his nape whilst pulling him into a bear hug (despite the former’s quiet squeaks of protest at how he was being engulfed and unfortunately, suffocated, by the taller boy).

 

Hanbin flopped down on the sofa of the living room and brought his arms open as a signal for Jinhwan to lie down beside him. His eyes were closed in faux tiredness and he failed to take notice of the elder’s slight falter in his step. Eventually, Jinhwan’s familiar frame fit next to his like it always had and his arms closed around him automatically like it was second nature.

 

“Did you really come here just to annoy me?” Jinhwan sighed, patting Hanbin’s hand that had settled across his stomach.

 

Hanbin made a noise in his throat that didn’t really answer the question.

 

Two arm pats later and Hanbin heard Jinhwan exhale softly, and he wondered what the smaller boy was thinking about. So he asked, because he wanted to know, and also because he would’ve fallen asleep if he didn’t keep on talking.

 

“It’s nothing,” Jinhwan started. _Pat, pat._ “I was thinking of the boys. About you. I think… I think we’re in a good place now.”

 

Hanbin blinked down at the man whose back was towards him. “Because of what we’ve achieved?”

 

“Not just that. In general. It’s like a breath of relief. It feels like,” he paused to lick his lips. “We’ve been working so hard for so many years and, it’s a rewarding feeling. Like we’re slowly becoming happier, too. It-it makes me happy seeing all of you like this.”

 

A warm feeling bloomed in Hanbin’s chest at his soft speech, one that he couldn’t really put a name on. It was something all-encompassing and strangely nostalgic. Hanbin was surprised to find himself suppressing his tears. Jinhwan, who had been the guardian of the group the entire time, finally feeling a taste of contentment and solace just because the rest of them were - Hanbin tightened his grip on him like it was a lifeline. _What would iKON be without you, our true guardian angel?_

 

Hanbin took a moment to ponder the new evolution in his thoughts. To him, Jinhwan was very much like an anchor. For his emotions, for his mentality. Just like how his previous frustrations were incessant in his mind, Hanbin realised that that negativity was nowhere to be found as he lay beside Jinhwan. He had somehow managed to bring his ever-flowing, ever-rampant sea of thoughts to a standstill. The memories of his trainee days were brought to the forefront of his mind; the trying times of Mix & Match, Win, and all the other times he was harshly criticised by the higher ups. The only positive constant that came with those memories was Jinhwan’s presence himself.

 

Kim Jinhwan, the one person who always knew what to say, the one person who Hanbin let show his tears from the very beginning. The one person who had always been there with his arms open for him, and who was, funny enough, laying in his arms at that very moment instead. Distantly, he wondered if Jinhwan felt the same way too, and then he shook his head and convinced himself that it was just his mind going into overdrive.

 

And so when Jinhwan shifted to face him suddenly, Hanbin’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest.

 

_Thumpthumpthumpthump._

 

“I mean it when I say you’re the best leader in the world,” Jinhwan went on to say and Hanbin felt his mouth run dry. “Thank you for believing in us. For your passion and your dedication. We say it a lot but I still don’t think it’s enough.”

 

He wanted to question where all this came from and why he was feeling so sentimental but he knew it wasn’t the right time. So he settled on focusing his gaze on Jinhwan’s, hands unconsciously pressing him closer to his torso.

 

“You know I have never once not believed in you. We work as seven,” he paused, thinking of what to say. “Seven inspirations for each day of the week. I think that remains to be true every passing day.”

 

Jinhwan smiled, a soft and melancholic one. Hanbin felt that same tug on his heartstrings once more at his expression, but said nothing. There was a comfortable quietness that lasted a beat before Jinhwan spoke again. “I wish I had the power to drag you out of work and take a day off sometimes. It’s tiring to see you like that,” his voice reached its familiar teasing tone towards the end, his hands absentmindedly coming up to fiddle with the string on Hanbin’s sweater.

 

Hanbin frowned at Jinhwan’s words that trudged up emotions he didn’t really want to think about. First, resignation, at the stark reality of what his job demanded. He had to work to make sure his boys prospered. But Hanbin didn’t mind most of the time. Sometimes he liked staying up, knowing each track he composed is a step in ensuring iKON’s success. It was what he loved to do, and he felt that he couldn’t really complain all that much. And doing that together with six other people he treasured, the pros really outweighed the cons. He would do anything - and he knew without a doubt Jinhwan would too. So it irritated him to hear Jinhwan say that, when he put in the same amount of effort as he did. That, and the fact that he ought to know Hanbin couldn’t have considered his job a burden if he loved the boys as much as he did.

 

The thoughts dissipated as soon as they came, though. He gazed at Jinhwan, noticing the slight furrow in his brow that signalled his genuine concern. A lot of the times, Jinhwan wouldn’t say much when he was upset by something, or if there was a pressing topic on his mind. The fact that he spoke today was a telling factor of his sincerity and care for his leader. Hanbin didn’t really know what to think at the realisation, and he cursed his heart for _thumping_ so goddamn much.

 

Jinhwan noticed the long pause in their conversation and peeked at Hanbin almost warily. Hanbin held his gaze a little too long and Jinhwan blinked, looking away and returning his attention to the already fraying string of Hanbin’s sweater once more.

 

Hanbin’s eyes never left his face as he spoke, his voice gentle. “I wish you would give that much care to yourself too. Because you deserve to be given the huge amount of love you give onto everyone else.”

 

His words hung in the silence between them for a long while. An alarm bell went off in Hanbin’s hand, warning him that perhaps he’d said the wrong thing, though the rational voice in his head told him he said nothing but his genuine thoughts, and that had ought to count for something. His thoughts got louder and louder - until Jinhwan spoke up, sparing his mind from being eaten up by his own self-doubt.

 

“Sometimes I think you’re too selfless for your own good.”

 

Hanbin didn’t know how to respond. He just knew that he had an innate want to flick his forehead, really badly, at that very moment. _Selfless? Has he_ seen _himself?_

 

“I’m getting you a mirror for your birthday,” Hanbin said in mock seriousness, his hands coming back up to hold the elder’s face between his palms.

 

Jinhwan cracked a smile at his shift in tone, shaking his head in amusement. His smile once again had Hanbin wishing he was dead for some reason. _It’d be less painful,_ is what he thought, as he brought his hands up to the nape of Jinhwan’s neck. He all but dragged his hyung’s head closer and placed a soft kiss on his forehead with slight aggression.

 

_He is too damn cute._

 

Hanbin pulled back and nearly fell off the sofa bed at Jinhwan’s flushed expression.

 

_His cheeks are red. Oh my god. I made his cheeks turn red._

 

The initial shock dissolved into something more devious, and Hanbin had to refrain from smirking (which would probably result in a pummeling from the smaller boy, really). So he pretended not to notice and brought Jinhwan’s head to his chest again, slyly kissing the top of his head because _damn him,_ he couldn’t resist it. He felt his thoughts stray to something deeper, the river of his mind rippling, bubbling - and he quietly dismissed it, not wanting to confront it just yet.

 

Because in his arms was his favourite person in the entire world, and he’d rather not let his rampant mind interrupt the one rare moment of peace he held in his grasp.

 

He found himself falling into a fitful sleep, much to the dismay of his future self sitting on the aircraft, eyes tightly shut in an attempt to block out his less-than-favourable surroundings.

 

But Jinhwan was sitting beside him, fingers interlaced with his, his grip sending a wave of calmness to wash over his body. Hanbin relaxed into his seat and truly had half a mind to press his lips against the small hand that held his.

 

But he decided against it, settling for rubbing his thumb against his skin instead. When he felt the other man squeeze his hand in return, Hanbin let out a soft sigh, allowing a tiny smile to tug at his lips.

 

 _This is alright,_  he thought to himself. I _guess the ride wouldn’t be too bad after all._

 

 _confessing seems just a little bit pointless with a guy like you_ _  
_ _i’d rather sit and stare at the water with you ; -_

 

“Hanbin,” Jinhwan’s speech was slurred, the intoxication apparent from his unfocused eyes. “I’m very much sober right now.”

 

He vaguely recalled a hearing a loud exhale from Hanbin, who was tirelessly dragging him back to the dorms. Jinhwan blinked confusedly at his surroundings, the shadows of the trees in the night blending together in his sight. His mind struggled to put one foot in front of the other as he somehow managed to tangle his feet with Hanbin’s (which probably gave the poor boy a lot of grief). Jinhwan felt the need to say something, though his brain refused to cooperate to allow a smidgen of sense to leave his lips. Hanbin interrupted before he could blabber off on a tangent of his incoherent thoughts.

 

“I need you to sober up. You can’t walk like this,” came his huff, and Jinhwan distantly registered Hanbin bringing him to sit down on a bench in the… park? Jinhwan didn’t really know. He decided he didn’t really care, as long as Hanbin was holding him.

 

He threw himself unceremoniously onto the bench, patting the space above his head as he let his body fit comfortably - well, as comfortable as it could get - against its hard structure. He thought he heard Hanbin mutter something but he couldn’t make sense of it, so he ignored it and spoke up.

 

“Let me lie on your lap,” he whined, kicking his legs for dramatic effect. “My head hurts.”

 

There was a pause, and all Jinhwan could hear was the cool wind rushing against his ears. He thought he heard Hanbin say “You’re impossible,” but he really couldn’t be sure. Eventually, though, he did as Jinhwan asked and lay his head gently on his lap, and Jinhwan all but sighed in contentment.

 

A sudden tingly feeling buzzed his senses, and he distantly wondered what it was. His mind zeroed in on Hanbin’s fingers running through his hair affectionately, and he absentmindedly snuggled against his palm, not noticing that Hanbin paused in his ministrations for a moment.

 

“So this was that feeling, back then,” his voice was a soft whisper against the breeze, but Hanbin was close enough to catch it.

 

“What feeling?” he wondered, his fingers going back to play with Jinhwan’s hair again.

 

“It relaxed me, that time,” his voice was sleepy, triggered by the careful attention Hanbin was giving him. “Those times, when I was with you in the studio. When I’m with you, and when you lie down with me.”

 

“I didn’t know you liked it so much,” Hanbin smiled a little at that. “I would’ve done it more often.”

 

Jinhwan made a small noise in the back of his throat, before he uttered the words that made Hanbin’s heart nearly come to a standstill.

 

“It’s because I like you. I like you very much.”

 

Jinhwan noticed the sudden pause in his movements. The delicate silence that had suddenly filled the air between them. Yet he couldn’t really bring himself to regret what he’d said, because he had meant every word.

 

The silence was getting unbearable. Jinhwan opened his eyes, wondering if he should backtrack on his words - and sucked in a breath at the heavy gaze the younger boy was giving him. It was something so electrifying, so intense, the very gaze that always rendered Jinhwan speechless. It was a look that conveyed everything and nothing at once, it confused him and always left him slightly dizzy. But Jinhwan knew that it was something reserved for him and no one else. And he didn’t really know what to do with that information.

 

His throat was dry as he broke the silence tentatively, a tendril of hope blooming within him. “Say something, please.”

 

Hanbin’s eyes never left his as his hand brushed the hair from Jinhwan’s forehead. Jinhwan looked at him, readying himself for whatever there was to come, but only a few words left his lips in a sort of sad, melancholic whisper that he had failed to understand.

 

“You should sober up now.”

 

Jinhwan blinked. Once, and then once more.

 

And then he exhaled, and wondered when his eyes had started tearing. He shut them tight and let out a humorless laugh, swallowing down the harsh, bitter taste that stung his throat. In an instant, his barriers were up, and he forced his speech to slur and his gaze to lose its focus once again.

 

When he spoke, his voice was unsettlingly light.

 

“Let’s go home.”

 

 _and even though i know i miss you_  
_i'd rather keep it all inside_  
_and now I know I will regret it; -_

 

To an outsider’s eye, it was like nothing ever changed.

 

Months passed with Hanbin and Jinhwan talking and working together like they always did, without complaint.

 

But Hanbin could feel the distinct shift in the air between them. It wasn’t in anything big, rather it was in the smaller details. How Jinhwan would pull away slightly quicker than usual - sometimes he would act as he usually would, leaning back into the younger boy, and then he’d abruptly edge away as if he’d only just realised what he’d done.

 

And every time he moved away incited a heavy ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away no matter how much he willed it.

 

Jinhwan rarely visited his studio, too. He did a few times, and in those short few hours he found himself laughing and grinning and they were best friends again, like how they were all those months ago before the incident. And then he would catch the hesitation in Jinhwan’s eyes, and he’d look away, running his hand through his hair to hide his expression.

 

Hanbin missed him. From the bottom of his heart, he did.

 

So whenever Jinhwan got up to leave, muttering an excuse in a light-hearted tone, all he wanted to do was pull him back and beg him to stay. He wanted to jump back in time and yell at himself not to have been so damn insensitive, to _go back, and tell him you adore him just as much, you absolute idiot._

 

But he couldn’t undo what he did. And it killed him because he never knew what to say to make them go back to the way things were. He longed for that so much that it physically ached, and he had to remind himself to breathe whenever he was alone, and the emotions got too loud in his head.

 

He thought back to the day Jinhwan lay, vulnerable and candid, on his lap, and remembered how it had been a peaceful time that had elicited Hanbin’s dopey smile a number of times.

 

And then Jinhwan, _damn him,_ had to go and say all of that.

 

_“It’s because I like you. I like you very much.”_

 

Hanbin had looked down at his best friend with his heart in his throat, wondering if he’d really said what he did. Wondering if he meant it. Wondering if it was just him, being drunk and stupid and flirty like he always was, wondering if he was serious.

 

 _He couldn’t have been,_ was what he kept telling himself day after day. _He was drunk. He says that to everyone. It’s just the way he is._

 

And even then, Hanbin knew that was wrong. Jinhwan was _never_ flirty when he was drunk. He was either angry, simmering, or thoughtful and quiet. Those excuses were just that - _excuses._

 

Back then he had tried his hardest to assess the situation. To see if Jinhwan was telling the truth. His eyes had been both hopeful and despondent at the same time; because he’d thought it was too good to be true. Because he knew deep down that he loved Kim Jinhwan with all his heart and soul, and it would tear him apart if it had been words born out a mindless, drunken haze.

 

And as the months passed, Hanbin believed it to be the truth, because he didn’t want to think that his actions had hurt both himself and his best friend. He had wanted to believe so desperately that Jinhwan didn’t like him as much as he claimed to that he’d managed to fool himself and hurt Jinhwan even more.

 

The takeout box Jinhwan left for him sat on his lap and seemed to mock his very existence. There he was in the studio again, and though Jinhwan never visited much after that day, he’d gone out of his way to get food for him because he knew Hanbin would never eat otherwise. He still cared, no matter how much Hanbin had treated his feelings like a joke.

 

He put his head in his hands, and the sigh that left him was a pained one.

 

A number of emotions plagued his heart as he sat there, the silence bearing heavily down on him. Guilt, longing, love, and then… hope.

 

As his rumble of thoughts continued, there was one distinct one that seemed to yell at him and all his idiocy.

 

 _Go to him,_ it had bellowed. _Go to him, and be honest. He’s your best friend._

 

_He deserves the truth._

 

It was like a switch in behaviour. One second he was hollow and teary eyed, and the next he was nearly stomping out of the building and back to the dorms, a resolute air about him.

 

He decided he would tell him everything.

 

 _i feel so weird around you_ _  
_ _i’ve never really felt like this; -_

 

Hanbin had rehearsed his lines so much as he walked, the words escaping him and swimming over his head - that it was no surprise when the door opened to reveal his 13cm fairy in all his sleepy glory, he was rendered completely and utterly speechless.

 

The sleep in his gaze dissipated when he looked on at Hanbin’s stiff demeanour, and grew slightly concerned instead. “Hanbin? Hello? Are you okay?”

 

Hanbin couldn’t really process anything. He looked at Jinhwan who was in his wrinkled PJs, taking in his mussed up hair and dizzying eyes.

 

_Fuck. Why does he look so goddamn adorable._

 

“Hanbin,” Jinhwan called a little louder, waving a hand in front of his face. The latter’s face turned red without his consent, and he wondered if Jinhwan liked him even less now. Maybe he didn’t like him at all at this point. Maybe -

 

“I, I need to talk to you. Please,” Hanbin finally got his jaw to work, his eyes blinking in earnest. “It’s important. I owe it to you.”

 

He caught Jinhwan’s perceptive gaze, his eyes locking with his as if wondering what this was about. The same eyes that could read him without fail, that have been taking care of him for the past 8 years. He felt his heart jump in his chest and he resisted the urge to press his palm against it, a telltale sign of his nervousness. Perhaps it was something in his eyes that Jinhwan saw, because eventually he stepped to the side and let the trembling boy pass.

 

Hanbin debated between standing and sitting on his bed, and when Jinhwan didn’t move from his spot near the door, he decided to face him instead. His voice shook when he first spoke.

 

“I was scared, hyung.”

 

He saw Jinhwan stiffen, but he went on, feeling the need to say it after so long.

 

“That day, I wanted to believe you were telling the truth. I wanted it, to be true so bad that I thought it was a joke. I-I thought you hadn’t meant any of it - I’m an idiot.”

 

Jinhwan stared at him and Hanbin distantly wondered what he was thinking. Wondered if he was mad, if he was inwardly scoffing, if he was ready to kick him out of his room. Because Hanbin would do it to himself, in all honesty.

 

“I should’ve told you this then, but I didn’t, so I’ll say it now,” Hanbin licked his lips, eyes darting here and there while the words spilled out of him in a rush. “The truth is that I love you. A lot. I love you, so much - Like, more than a friend, you know? Like I want to see the world with you, like, together, not as friends. Like how they say it in that movie we watched. Like I’d go out and get ice cream for you at 3 a.m. type of love - but not just that obviously, I’d do way more, _fuck,_ I-I just -”

 

He risked looking up into Jinhwan’s eyes once more, and his voice failed him upon seeing his lips twitch in amusement.

 

“You’re absolutely ridiculous,” Jinhwan’s voice was soft and Hanbin felt himself falling all over again.

 

“I am, aren’t I,” Hanbin whispered as Jinhwan took three steps closer to him, and he was utterly convinced he was going into cardiac arrest just at his sheer proximity.

 

“It hurt, you know,” Jinhwan began, his eyes showing a wound that hasn't completely healed. He knew. He had seen the split second of hurt in his eyes when he uttered the words that haunted them both, he had known that he’d made a dire mistake in judgement. The memory tugged harshly on Hanbin’s heart, and he didn’t realise he was crying until Jinhwan wiped a stray tear from his cheek.

 

“I know,” he said breathily, his tone choked up with the regret from all those months ago. “I’m sorry. Tell me how I can make this right. I-I want us to be friends again, if that’s what you want, I mean. Oh, God, I just spilled a ton of things on you and I didn’t even think about how you’d feel - I’m so sorry-”

 

“Hanbin, please stop talking,” Jinhwan sighed, his hand coming up to play with the younger boy’s hair. The latter automatically shut his jaw, his mind screaming at him for all the carelessness he displayed. He let himself be distracted by Jinhwan’s ministrations, wanting to escape and run into his arms all at once. It was a strange fight or flight situation, and Hanbin chose to do nothing but listen, for once.

 

“I can’t believe you tell me this now,” Jinhwan’s tone was light, and Hanbin unconsciously readied himself for the incoming rejection - though it never came.

 

“Somehow, even after all this time, I love you too,” he spoke softly but the conviction behind the words were strong. Hanbin blinked as the former locked eyes with his, a playful twinkle in his eye. “I must be just as ridiculous, huh?”

 

Jinhwan’s soft voice buzzed in his ears for a while, a tingly sensation running down his back as the weight of his words sunk into his realm of comprehension. A spark of hope glimmered in his eyes as he gazed down quietly at the shorter man, wondering if his ears were playing tricks on him.

 

He nearly malfunctioned once more as Jinhwan smiled, a wide one that lit up all his features, one that radiated such serenity that Hanbin had to remind himself to breathe. He unconsciously brought his hand up to soothe the harsh _thump, thump, thump_ ing that had suddenly plagued his heart but Jinhwan deftly caught it in his before he could. The elder man bounced on his heels, contemplating something as he stared at Hanbin’s hand in his, and then grinned again and leaned up on his tippy toes to plant a soft, but reassuring kiss on the poor boy’s cheek.

 

“Oh,” Hanbin said dumbly, after a beat of silence followed the brief peck.

 

“Oh?” Jinhwan teased, and somehow found himself in Hanbin’s shy embrace, his arms resting comfortably around Jinhwan’s small torso. Hanbin belatedly noticed the light dusting of pink on the shorter man’s cheeks, and couldn’t resist his shit-eating grin.

 

 _He is going to be the death of me,_ is what he thought before shyly leaning in, stealing a kiss from Jinhwan’s lips this time. He would’ve reveled in his success at making Jinhwan turn twice as red if not for the fact that his face was practically burning at the sudden boldness of his actions.

 

“Sorry…” he murmured half-heartedly against Jinhwan’s lips, where he stared into the boy’s eyes again, thinking that at that moment, he could never tire of looking at him. Hanbin’s eyes fluttered shut as he let out a quiet breath, sighing at the feel of Jinhwan against him. Jinhwan moved slightly, pressing his lips against his once more in a soft question, one that was teetering on the edge of curiosity and want, and all Hanbin knew was _fuck you, Kim Jinhwan,_ because he was very well on his way to losing his goddamn mind from his ministrations. His senses were on overdrive from Jinhwan, Jinhwan, and _more Jinhwan,_ from the feel of his small fingers brushing tenderly against his nape to the slight tilt of his head and the softness of his lips. It was too much - _he is too fucking much._

 

“What are you doing to me,” Hanbin whispered breathily when he pulled away, eyes still tightly shut from the intensity of it all.

 

He felt Jinhwan smirk against his lips, and decided he really might die one day because of the sly man encased in his arms.

 

“It’s what you deserve for making me wait this long,” he sighed but the words were lost on Hanbin who was kissing him again, the feeling of euphoria and _Jinhwan_ coursing harshly through his veins.

 

They laughed between kisses, between playful nips of skin and wandering hands - and at that moment, with his favourite person in the entire world held tightly in his arms, Hanbin thought to himself that _this, this is alright._

 

_This will always be more than alright._

 

**Author's Note:**

> if you've made it this far thank you for reading ; w ; ♡ wrote this on a roll so i'm sorry for all the repeated imagery throughout, i hope it was somewhat enjoyable nonetheless ??? lol [ skull emoji ] x


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